The Equation Of Forgiveness

The Equation Of Forgiveness

The Equation of Forgiveness: A Hard Truth I Learned Too Late

I used to believe forgiveness was a magic wand. As a kid in Detroit, I heard it all the time: "Forgive and forget, son. Makes the heart light." My grandmother, who’d seen more injustice than most, would say it with a sigh, like it was the only path to peace. I carried that equation through my 25 years as a journalist: Forgiveness = Healing. I’d even write it into stories, assuming it was the universal truth.

Then came the case of Maria. A survivor of domestic violence, she’d been told for years by church leaders, therapists, even her own family, that she owed her abuser forgiveness to "find peace." She’d sit in my office, eyes hollow, whispering, "They say I’m broken because I haven’t forgiven him." I’d nod, thinking, Yes, she just needs to let go. I was the journalist asking the "right" questions—until I saw the real equation: Forgiveness demanded = Victim’s silence maintained.

That’s when the equation shattered. Forgiveness wasn’t a gift to the wounded; it was often a cage built by the powerful to absolve themselves. The abuser, the system, the culture—it all needed the victim to say, "It’s okay," so they could sleep easy. Maria’s peace wasn’t in forgiveness; it was in not being asked to forgive. Her healing began when she stopped apologizing for her anger.

I’m not saying I have the answer—I’m saying the question’s wrong. We don’t owe forgiveness to those who hurt us. We owe it to ourselves to ask: Who benefits when I say "I forgive"? Is it me, or is it the one who caused the harm? Healthy skepticism isn’t cynicism; it’s refusing to let others define your peace.

The hard truth? Forgiveness is a choice, not a duty. And sometimes, the most radical act of self-respect is to say, "I don’t need to forgive you to be whole." It’s not about the past. It’s about who gets to own the future.

— Marcus Webb

---

Written by Marcus Webb — 12:24, 14 January 2026 (CST)